How Dare You Talk to Yourself That Way?!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-in-white-shirt-showing-frustration-3807738/

Managing stress can be a big challenge these days. Between the events of the world in general and the stressors in our own lives, there’s a lot to deal with, much of which may not be within your control.

But there is one major source of stress that you can control if you’re aware of it and make the effort to counter it, and that is...

Your own inner self-talk.

You know, the stuff you say quietly (or possibly scream violently) in your head about yourself and the people and things around you.

Oftentimes, self-talk leads to a magnification of the negativity and stress of the circumstances we find ourselves in.

For example, let’s say you wake up in the morning before you go to work and your thoughts are things like:

“Ugh! Traffic is going to be horrible!”

“I can’t believe we’re having a meeting on something so stupid – what a waste of time!”

“I’ll probably get stuck with training that new idiot they hired! That’s going to suck!”

“I don’t want to go to work – I hate my job!”

Now, all of those thoughts may or may not be true, but by framing your expectations in those terms, you put yourself in a negative state of mind and you “pre-experience” the stress of those situations before you experience them for real.

In addition, the negative state of mind you create regarding what’s to come makes you less resourceful and less able to handle the actual situations, if and when they occur, as well as you might. This leads to more stress and an even more negative outlook on future experiences of a similar nature.

And it’s not just negative expectations of the future that your mind self-stresses you with. It’s also perceptions in the moment as you go through your day.

Perhaps you repeatedly tell yourself how tired you are (and strangely, feel more and more tired). Maybe you get impatient and continually tell yourself you don’t have time for whatever you’re dealing with, and become increasingly anxious as you do.

The potential list is endless. And while unpleasant circumstances may occur, it’s easy to make them so much worse with the silent conversations we have in our own heads.

So, what can you do?

The first step is developing an awareness for when your self-talk may be less than productive and may be contributing to your stress. Pay attention to what you’re saying to yourself and consider how you might change it to something you would perceive as less stressful.

Obviously, there’s always a potential for negative experiences that are out of our control. But by becoming aware of what we’re telling ourselves about those experiences and choosing to have a different conversation, we can often reduce their perceived negativity and how stressful they feel to us.

Now, I’m not suggesting coming up with over the top positive affirmations. If that works for you, great, but for a lot of people it’s not all that helpful if your mind doesn’t really believe it.

Proclaiming, “I LOVE my job!” to yourself while you’re grinding your teeth and plotting the homicides of your co-workers probably isn’t going to fool you into a state of blissful enjoyment of your work!

So, when you reframe how you’re talking to yourself about a stressful situation, think about it in a positive (or at least less-negative) way that’s actually truthful.

Going back to the earlier examples:

“Ugh! Traffic is going to be horrible!” could be reframed as, “Traffic will be heavy, so I just need to relax and drive carefully and I’ll get there as quickly as conditions allow.”

“I can’t believe we’re having a meeting on something so stupid – what a waste of time!” might be changed to, “This meeting probably won’t have any value to me personally, but it’s a requirement of the job, so I just need to accept that and get through it.”

“I’ll probably get stuck with training that new idiot they hired! That’s going to suck!” you could reframe as, “If they think highly enough of me to have me train the new hire, I guess I should take it as a compliment, even if I don’t want to do it.”

“I don’t want to go to work – I hate my job!” could be transformed to, “I’m going to work and I’m going to make the most of it and have as good of a day as I can.”

Again, awareness is the first step, so simply try to be mindful of your inner self-talk, and then just reframe things as needed.

If you can’t come up with a reframe specific to the situation that makes sense to you, perhaps try focusing on a more general line of conversation instead, such as, “I’ve dealt with tough situations before and I got through it. I’ll make it through this too somehow.”

Changing your self-talk may seem too simple to be helpful, but it can be remarkably powerful for helping you cope with stressful situations and reducing your overall stress levels.

Even if you’re thoughts on this are along the lines of, “Dr. Best comes up with some weird stuff,” maybe you could try shifting that to, “This sounds silly, but I’ve done silly stuff in the past, and this probably won’t hurt to try, so I’ll give it a shot.”

Anyway, I encourage you to give it a try and I hope you find it helpful.

Until next time,

George Best, D.C.

For past newsletters, visit my Beehiiv page.

For information about my practice, including online scheduling, visit gbestdc.com