Anger is Exhausting

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-in-gray-tank-top-3812739/

The other day I was stopped at the end of a left turn lane at a traffic light. The lane was full of cars and although I had pulled up as far as I could, the back end of my truck was partially blocking the lane next to me. I had been there for a minute or so when a woman drove up in that lane until just in front of me, at which point she stopped, rolled down her window, turned around in her seat, and proceeded to yell at me for several seconds for blocking the lane before roaring off. Again, she was already past me when she did this, so there was actually room to get by me.

I kind of shrugged it off, because I’m well-aware that a lot of people are under a lot of stress these days, and that stress can lead to frustration and anger. Anger is a legitimate emotion and it does serve a purpose – or at least it can. It has the potential to motivate us to take action to improve our circumstances – if we let it.

All too often though, people get stuck in just feeling the anger and not doing anything about it. They just carry that emotion around with them all day, every day, for days, weeks, months, years, or possibly for their entire lives.

Anger that results in positive action can improve one’s life dramatically, but carrying around anger is extremely destructive to oneself, and potentially anyone else who happens to be in the vicinity.

There’s of course the obvious forms of destruction, such as actually destroying property or damaging relationships, but even when one “swallows” the anger and doesn’t act it out, the physical and mental tension and exhaustion from being angry all the time can really diminish the quality of one’s life.

As normal and sometimes necessary as anger is, it’s important to recognize that what we do with our anger is a choice.

While there are many reasons why someone might choose to hold on to anger, despite the fact that it makes their lives unhappy and miserable, there’s a couple of fairly common ones that feel “good” in a warped sort of way, and that can be motivations to not let things go.

One of the biggies is entitlement. “I’m perfectly justified in being angry about [fill in the thing you’re angry about here].” That might be true, but if you feel worthy of being entitled to your anger, aren’t you also worthy of letting it go so that you can live a better life? No matter who or what you’re angry at/about, chances are that holding on to that anger long-term does way more harm to you than the person or thing you’re directing that anger at. It’s been said that the best revenge is a life well-lived. You can’t get that best revenge holding on to anger forever!

Another major motivating factor for holding on to anger is self-focus. “Why me?” It’s easy to console oneself with the unfairness to you of whatever spawned your anger. Human beings seem to crave fairness, even though we know deep down that fairness is kind of in short supply in the big bad world.

But just realizing that life is often unfair may not be enough to help you move past anger. In fact, it might make it worse. Instead, what I suggest is shifting your focus outward and off of yourself. Focusing on helping others won’t get rid of the reasons for your anger, but it will usually reduce the intensity of it.

In some cases, one can carry around anger for so long that it becomes a part of their self-identity. Getting past this long-ingrained anger takes time, practice, and discipline. Accepting who you are is all well and good, and often is a necessary early step in changing who you are, but anyone has the potential to change.

In addition to shifting your focus to how you can help others as already discussed, you can work to shift your thinking, actively replacing old, angry thoughts with new, more positive ones.

If you don’t know where to start with positive thoughts, try questions such as “What can I be grateful for?” or “What can I do to make this day better?” If those questions are too “big” at first, start with very small increments, such as “What can I do that will make me feel better for the next minute?” Maybe that’s doing some deep breathing, doing some stretching, or perhaps watching a short video clip of cute kittens or puppies. Anything that can take you out of angry mode (even if very briefly), done on a regular basis, will begin to re-set your mind.

One last simple DIY suggestion for dealing with anger or other negative emotions is the “letting go” procedure from a self-help process called the Sedona Method. You start by identifying the situation that’s bothering you and the emotion attached to it. So, you think about what you’re angry about and ask yourself, “Could I let this go?” and give your honest answer (even if it’s “NO!”). Then ask yourself, “Would I let this go?” and once again, answer honestly. Finally, ask yourself, “When?” and give your honest answer.

If you’re really wrapped up in the emotion of the situation in question, your answers may very well start out as “No!”, “No!”, and “Never!” But if you repeat the process several times (which can be spread out over a period of hours or even several days), you may find your answers start to shift, and at some point will hopefully get to, “Yes,” “Yes,” and “Now.” And when you reach a sincere “Now,” it can be remarkable how much better you feel as the emotion releases.

Hopefully you aren’t someone who carries around a lot of anger, but the tips above can be helpful even for short-term angry situations as well. I hope you find them useful to you and/or someone you care about.

Until next time…

George Best, D.C.